The Metamorphosis of Forgiveness

    I heard a quote somewhere that forgiveness is not for the weak. The thing about forgiveness is, people sometimes think withholding it puts them in a position of power.  You often hear situations in which a person says "I don't think I can ever forgive you." Or "You don't deserve my forgiveness" etc. Situations in which the individual being apologized to withhold their forgiveness. Whatever the reason might be the only person losing, is themselves. The anger, grudge and overall resentment towards the other individual begins to grow. Like a weed that wasn't taken care of from the start. I've experienced that weed, and know first hand how easy it can grow out of control. 

It takes a strong person to forgive, it doesn't mean forgetting or restoring the tarnished relationship between you and the individual who hurt you. Sometimes, forgiveness is necessary for your own well being. It is a concept that is easier said than done. Often times it takes years to move on and let go. I thought I had forgiven my father for the things he had done. yet, I learned that I only forgave a small piece, and somewhere within me I still held on to the pain, unwilling to let it go as it has become a part of me. A part of my identity. I didn't know how to live without holding on to this toxic part of my past. The years of neglect in addressing this part of me began to emerge. Through Nightmares and depression. I was allowing it to drown my wellbeing.

 Rather than saying "Forgiveness is not for the weak" I would rephrase it to Forgiveness is the reflection of strength. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how strong a person is, betrayal, abuse, neglect and so on can weaken a person. Sometimes, people become shells of who they used to be. They feel worn out and incapable of letting go of the pain. It has been such a huge part of them they don't know who they are without it. It takes jumping off the cliff of uncertainty in order to realize that what they are, is so much more than the pain they hid behind of. It takes a lot to cut off the pain from our souls, to release it into the universe and state, "I forgive you. For my self. I forgive you, to free myself from the pain of your betrayal." You forgive them, to cut off the connection to the past. In order for you to move on with your life. Sometimes, doing so changes who you are, by making you better. Like a butterfly post-metamorphosis. 
Many years ago when I got a call from my father his first words were, "I am so sorry, please forgive me" With tears streaming down my face and a trembling hand I said "I don't think I can" and put down the phone. He asked again and again. Years ago, I thought I had forgiven him, but It wasn't sincere. I forgave him for all the wrong reasons, I forgave him out of guilt. Fighting against myself I said I did. Yet, In my heart, mind, and soul I wasn't ready. It took so many years of rebuilding myself in order to find the strength to forgive him. When I whisper the words "I forgive you" the weight of them lightly settles on my heart and it feels right. I know it to be truth, after many years I feel free from my past. As for my father, if he knows or not I don't know, but I know if the phone ever rings again and the same question rings in my ear I can tell him, "I already did."