The Foundation of Happiness

 
When I was a little girl my dream was to buy a house. I always imagined myself moving out and buying a big, gorgeous house for my family and l. To this day I still remember sitting in the front seat of the car zooming through the traffic and talking to my mom. "when I grow up I will buy a huge house for us to live in." Looking behind I sigh deeply and say "oh well, it will have some space for Gloria as Well." My mother would just smile sadly and silently listen to us argue about who would buy the bigger house for mom, and which one of us will get to live with her. Today, I realized just how simple and yet far off the dream really is. As a child, everything in life seems attainable, it's as we transition through our life and face hardships and difficulties, that we realize that it's not all as easy as it seems. 
So the question is... What is happiness? If you look at this story closer you might realize that purchasing a house was important to me not for myself but for my mother. In my mind, I was imagining the happiness and joy on her face and I knew that once I see that, I too would be happy in life.
 The conversation in the car was happening at a time when the foundation on which our life had stood on crumbled. My parents divorced when I was about 13 or 14 the causes for which I will save for a different story. For the longest time, my mom was depressed, locked away in her room writing poetry. I found escape from the heavy sadness that seemed to have penetrated every inch of the house, in my friends houses, school and movie theaters. I took up reading as something more than a leisure activity but as a form of escapism from my reality. Refusing to acknowledge that my family was no longer perfect. I felt excluded from the world. Each moment, each place, a bitter reminder of what was lost. Sometimes, seeing my own friends "complete" families opened up the wounds even further pushing me deeper inside myself. I dreamt of losing myself in the fantasy and sweet reality of my own creation hidden away from the world, within my own mind. I made up stories of who I really was a heiress of a lost kingdom, hidden away in another country. A daughter of a president blissfully unaware that I had a father who paid people to watch out for me and keep me safe. You can imagine that in all of those stories I was always reunited with my real and perfect Dad. In the meantime, my mom struggled to make ends meet. Now that she was alone working a custodial job at a hospital and with three children, she spent all her time working, sleeping or writing. Some days it felt like she didn't even exist, her presence was fleeting. I was dealing with the changes in my life while fighting depression in silence, not wanting to bring more worry to my mom. I started cutting and not long after began seeing a therapist. It was a difficult time, not one I remember fondly. My only goal at that point was to do well in school. Be successful, be smart, be good. In my mind I knew that one day when I buy a house for my mother she would be happy, she would be proud and to see her happy would be my happiness. that's when I would know my life would be good again, like before. 
For me when I think of happiness it's that. Making someone else smile, but now I have learned that my own happiness should not be dependant on the happiness of other people. It took me some time to realize that allowing other people to influence how I feel is detrimental to my wellbeing and sometimes you just have to create your own happiness, built your own home and then when you do, you are ready to allow other people in and share the joy with them. 

Of course, I still have that adolescent dream of buying a house but its now a goal, and the perspective has greatly shifted. Things have improved since I was a 13-year-old girl. My mom moved on from the divorce and today shes a proud owner of a townhome. We no longer have to live in a low-income government housing, and she has found her own journey to happiness. Doesn't mean I have to scrap the dream, but maybe now I can start building my own life, and my own happiness, on the foundation of truth learned from my childhood. 






I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this and I would like to apologize in advance for any grammatical mistakes you encounter, it's not my strongest suit. Let me know what you think in the comments below, I am always open to feedback!