Be Still

When I was on a weekend trip to Missouri a few months back I went into a store at the mall. While going through the jewelry section one necklace caught my eye. It was on a simple chain and all it said was "Be Still". You ever hear something and you just feel it, Within you? I sometimes battle with anxiety. Little things could set it off and without any explanation. I could be happy and perfectly fine and then it slams into me. In these moments its often difficult to stop, think and breath. "Be still." There is a sort of comfort in the two words. A soothing reminder that I will get through this, that it will be okay, you just have to wait it out. I wish I could explain it. There are no words, I can't describe it. It's everything and nothing at the same time. Sometimes it's an internal battle to calm my mind other times it's a physical presence. It goes away, but during a stressful season in my life, it makes itself known. Sometimes, I feel like it is all there is and then other days I forget that it exists.
 My first anxiety attack was during college orientation. I never told anyone. I was sitting in the auditorium, it was packed. It was hot, crowded and loud. I was aware of everything around me, the closeness of the people pressing into me. The loudness of the speakers. The exit seemed to be all the way across the room. People were pushing and shoving, I couldn't see or breath. I felt it then, a cold wet fear slithering up my throat. The room was getting smaller and I felt the need to escape, the need to run away. Be free. At the time I didn't know what that was. Now I do. Large crowds, crowded and small spaces one of the few triggers. Few people really understand, even fewer know.

 I've learned to fight back control, but it's not always easy. One time it took me by surprise, in the final exam room. It might have been the exam, or all the people packed in the room, I don't really know. Sometimes, focusing on something else, focusing on my breathing and telling myself I'll be okay allows me to slowly fight through it. So that's the story of my necklace, A reminder to be still. To allow the feelings of fear to flow through, don't hold on to it but release it with each breath. A reminder that I am going to be okay. A reminder that there is a calm after the storm.